I have been pondering an articulate, grammatically correct way to express the simmering rage that’s been bubbling within me the last few days.
There are of course, so many things to be angry at. Like it boggles the brain that people seem so unaware that history is repeating ourselves in front of our very eyes. Well, if we are truly being honest with ourselves, people are choosing to be not aware. It frustrates me so much that the brain ceases to function, and any desire to write or be creative goes out the door.
So, there’s that.
But there’s also an extra burden that’s been harbouring within me for years, that at this point, well it just seems selfish and ridiculous to even utter it out loud. So instead, I’ve decided to share it on a public forum instead. It’s the burden that comes with being The Constant Understudy, and that’s no matter how hard you try, you still manage to be living in someone else’s shadow.
Social media makes it impossible to escape this and the common assumption that everyone is doing so much better than you. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful to social media in many senses (the social media of the 2010s, I mean), it got me to a lot of places and allowed me to stay connected to so many close friends.
But those fun times of posting photos of your coffee without a caption are long gone. We are now in the apocalyptic era that has a weird desperation to normalize AI. An era that has somehow led to a great deal of us involuntarily contributing to the united fascists of broligarchy. All because we just wanted to share a good selfie with the internet.
So, with that I have been slowly removing personal things from Facebook and Instagram. But whilst doing this, I also recognize that being offline is not completely possible in my line of “work”.
So, with that, Substack seemed the best option.
But I still can’t leave Zuckerberg’s hell entirely.
As much as I’ve grown to hate Instagram, it is the most convenient way for me to let others know about my new online home. But at the same time, I knew the risks and the irony of sharing my Substack on Instagram.
First and foremost, I do want to say thank you to those who supported me straightaway after I shared my first post.
In that there will always be love and joy which I am continuously grateful for.
Then as expected from the rest of my insta cohort, and I mean those who just occasionally creep through all of my stories. Silence.
That’s fine, I also expected that. Substack is not for everyone. I mean, I’m still figuring it out.
So, what made me so mad? What caused all my insecurities to rise to the surface?
Simply put, I got to live up to my Substack’s name’s sake a lot quicker than I intended to.
It’s hard to put into words without sounding bitter about how competitive being creative has become as of late. But don’t worry, I do get why. I just hate it.
I have said before I knew in setting up my own Substack, there would be little to no engagement because I didn’t really have a following to begin with.
In that, I do recognize social media is another way for people to keep tabs on one another. Which I do wholeheartedly admit to doing.
But in saying that, I still am acutely aware that we are all creeping on each other.
Which is why I circle back to why I was mad in the first place.
Most of you already know how I nervously shared on Instagram my decision to publicize my writing again. But not two days after that post, I soon learned that a former colleague of mine had seemingly decided to also start writing again, on Substack no less.
Their Instagram announcement made me sit up in bed because I hadn’t seen this person in 10 years, and yet thanks to that annoying algorithm they were in my face again. Yes, we became Instagram mutuals because of work and through that, I was able to see all their successes. Some of which over the past decade, I did genuinely cheer on. But suddenly on Saturday morning I found myself incapable of cheering on this. I am not against them setting up their own Substack, in fact, I do believe more of us should transition away from the monopoly of social media.
So, it should be all good then, right? But it wasn’t, and I knew why, but I didn’t dare utter it out loud.
So, I rationalized instead.
“Perhaps it’s all a coincidence. Perhaps they faced similar ethical dilemmas such as me regarding their social media use. Perhaps it’s as Taylor Swift once said ‘…everything is not about me.’”
But then again, also, like Taylor Swift said, “But what if it is?”
So, my paranoia remains.
I know a lot of you are thinking; well, who cares? You’re not them.
You’re right I am not, but it’s a pattern in my life. A pattern that has become increasingly exhausting.
I could go into more details, and I could continue to be petty and immature.
But really I can’t, because everyone expects me to be the bigger person.
So, I should cheer on other’s successes, but at the same time, make sure to make little of my own. I should take the first step to be supportive and subscribe to someone else’s Substack, but at the same time, make sure that I’m completely cool with the fact, they may never acknowledge mine.
“Why?”
“Because we’re all in this together, right?”
But then I find myself asking?
“How am I always the one to take the first step?”
Then it hit me, of course I am, because I’m the Constant Understudy.
Just living under people’s shadows, rooting on the sidelines and shrinking, shrinking, shrinking.
Convincing myself that when it’s my turn to step up, step in and finally, leave the sidelines, I absolutely will. But for some reason, I never do.
Believe me this post is not a complaint about my position in life, I’m lucky and privileged. It’s rather a focus on the core of why I set up this Substack in the first place.
I want to reiterate, I will consistently support the amazing, talented friends in my life. Always.
I do so because they’re talented, and their talent deserves to shine through. They’re also wonderful people who deserve to be lifted, and for the world to see that. Especially now, kindness, empathy and human creativity must triumph more than ever.
I have also learned friendship isn’t something that needs to be rewarded because friendship is something beautiful on its own (my Autism support might have had to explain that to me, even at the age of 34). My friends and family have continuously done this for me. Hence, I spoke about them straight away as one of the first above to support my Substack and so much of my own creative endeavours.
No, this conflict is internal and one that constantly echoes within my soul; “how have I allowed myself to become the understudy?”
That’s right, the person I am really complaining about is me. I am the one that is still choosing to live under the shadow of myself.
But I don’t blame myself completely, not like I used to. I am acutely aware with the wisdom that comes with age, experience that comes from being in different cultures, and most importantly, nearly every type of therapy under the sun has made me aware, I am not to blame.
Some of that is to do with Masking and Autism, and an inherent difficulty I have in understanding my boundaries, until it’s too late. I still have a huge difficulty in articulating this and trying to remove a mindset that has been drilled into me from a young age. A mindset that maintains that staying silent with your pain and losing parts of yourself as result, is far better, than being seen as mean and unhelpful.
But it’s up to me to fight against that.
I am lucky to have wonderful friends and family who consistently help me with this and remind me to advocate for myself.
Which is what I intend to do and hence, why I set up my Substack as a place to hold myself accountable.
Here I will be kind to my understudy self but also acknowledge, that the understudy is not a constant part of myself.
If you wish to help in supporting my creative endeavours, all I ask is the below:
Don’t say you saw me post an article, poem or whatever comes next from Gráinne. Instead, please read The Constant Understudy’s work.
If you liked what you read, please like, comment and even better share.
Most importantly, don’t creep.
Subscribe.
You are a bright beautiful light in this world, and you could never ever be overshadowed by anyone! Keep writing, my friend. ❤️❤️